Tag: Funny

Footage Friday: Jesse’s Big Boy Bedroom

Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So… it is getting closer and closer… and closer and closer… to the due date of Baby Barton #2.

Time is absolutely flying by at such a rapid pace that I feel like we only found out we were pregnant just the other day.

And as time ticks by, there is one thing that we have been meaning to do. And that is, to create a proper Big Boy Bedroom for Jesse.

Because the room he was using still looked and felt like a nursery, we figured the easiest option for us would be to turn the spare room into Jesse’s Big Boy Bedroom, and move him into there, rather than converting the nursery and having to shift two lots of furniture.

And so that brings us to Sunday, 27 January 2017. The day we finally committed to creating his bedroom… and wow, did it turn out great!!!

We are so happy with it. In fact, I’m a little jealous… I wish we had stuff like this for our bedrooms when I was a kid!!!

But we did… We finally bit the bullet, went to Ikea and Kmart, stocked up on flat packs and the necessary trimmings, and created what is now, Jesse’s Big Boy Bedroom.

I think it turned out pretty good too… If I don’t say so myself!

Dad Bod: It’s time to go!

Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So guess what… the end of January is just around the corner! That’s right… January is almost over!

I mean, hang on, it still feels like only yesterday that we were up at Maleny celebrating NYE and chugging beers! Well, I was the one chugging the beers… Renee was giving me that look of pure evil that only a pregnant woman can give when she is the only one sitting in a room full of non-pregnant people all having fun! Love you darling!

So since we are almost through our first month of 2017, how are those NYE resolutions coming along? Have you achieved all you wanted to achieve for January as yet? Don’t worry, you still have time if you haven’t.

What about me you ask? Well, I didn’t really make any NYE resolutions. I tend to find they’re somewhat of a waste of time. Like most people, I never end up completing any of the NYE resolutions I’ve set myself in the past. I think it’s mostly because when we do make NYE resolutions, we aren’t held accountable by anyone. However, I am glad to say that despite not having any resolutions in place, I have still managed to start my year off on a positive note…

And so this leads into the title of this post. Saying goodbye to the Dad Bod!

I’m not going to beat around the bush… I have officially (by my own admittance) reached fat bastard status! I got to that point where I realised I had two options available moving forward regarding my diet and my weight. Either stop eating… or buy a whole new wardrobe full of clothes. And let’s face it, to stop eating is definitely the cheaper way to go!


I mean, it’s pretty bad. Like so bad that the t-shirts I own look like they’re about 2 sizes to small when I wear them. If I start to raise my arms it looks like I’m wearing a midriff! Plus none of my pants fit! We went to the Redcliffe Lagoon just before New Years and I couldn’t do them up. I have buttons popping open on shorts and I even had to use a hair tie on the top button of a pair of jeans because I couldn’t get it done up! Yes, a hack I learned from my pregnant wife. 

I seriously need an intervention!

I’ve embraced the Dad Bod for long enough. All the delicious food and the cold beers and the tasty burgers and the amazing chocolate and the delightful doughnuts and the… IT’S TIME TO STOP!!!

And this is where the positive start to my year begins. My PT is running a 6 week challenge to work off all that Christmas and NYE weight we’ve all put on. Count me in! I’ve got a ton of weight I need to lose!

Second week in and I think I’m doing pretty well. So far I’ve lost over one kilo of both weight and fat!

If I can just keep this going for the next 4 weeks, I’ll have rippling abs and biceps of steel just like Zac Efron!!! Well, maybe not, but at least I’ll be back to my normal weight!

Oh yea, and just in case you were wondering why we have so much junk food in the house… don’t forget that I am living with both a toddler, and a pregnant wife!

Life with a toddler

Renee BartonLeave a comment

Having a new baby is certainly tough at times. There’s the broken sleep every night, 2 hourly feeds, endless nappy changes and the tummy bulge that just won’t budge.

But with all of that comes binge watching Grey’s Anatomy (you have to do something during all that couch time for feeding), day time naps, coffee dates and plenty of visitors bearing pre-cooked meals and willing to cuddle baby while you sleep / shower / have 5 minutes without a baby in your arms or attached to your boob!

Believe it or not though this is actually the easy bit. Soon enough that little newborn that stayed in the same place if you put it down to go to the loo turns into a toddler that insists on following you in every single time, pulling the toilet paper off the roll and wanting to push the flush button for you before you’re even done.

Suddenly getting 30 minutes to watch a tv show or read a book or just do the dishes without a tug on your leg is seemingly impossible. The tables of control turn and you find yourself at the beck and call of a walking, talking, small human.

As my baby has now turned into a toddler seemingly overnight, there are a whole host of things I am learning to be at peace with when living with a toddler.


1. Mess! Food is constantly being dropped on the floor instead of eaten. Toys are more often than not scattered on the lounge room floor and there are crumbs and chocolate stains on the couch.

2. Unfolded clothes. I’ve given up folding his clothes because the clean folded ones inevitably end up in the laundry hamper and the dirty ones in his draws. It’s a fun game apparently.

3. A ‘helper’ for everything. Whether it’s sending an email, sweeping the floor, putting a load of washing on or taking the rubbish out there is my shadow; bashing away at the keyboard and swinging the broom handle around knocking over anything in its path.

4. A dirty child. Food all over his face, dirt on his feet, drawings on his legs and a sweaty head. Keeping this kid clean is near impossible.

5. A new boss. If he’s not helping me do whatever menial yet important task I’m trying to complete, he is literally bossing me around. Not doing what he wants? Be prepared to have him grab you by the hand or clothes and drag you to where he wants you to be. Sometimes he will walk around and push you until you get to his desired location. The bedroom. The couch. He will even grab your hand and push it up to the handle on the fridge if he wants something like the not so secret stash of Maltesers we currently have.

Okay so I’m still working on pretty much all of these. I still cringe when he feeds himself a messy meal with a spoon. And my new handheld vacuum is my best friend.

But there are also loads of super awesome things about life with a toddler. His vocabulary is growing every day, he clearly understands everything I say to him (though he doesn’t always listen) and his little personality and quirks are just so cute as he learns about the world around him.

Not to mention the way my heart melts with every kiss and cuddle he plants on me.

Life with a toddler… I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Photo Friday: Cranky Santa Photos

Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So… Jesse got his photo taken with Santa again this year.

However, it didn’t quite go as smoothly as it did last Christmas.

Last Christmas, Jesse was fascinated with the fat man in the red suit with a big bushy white beard. So much so that all he wanted to do was tug on his beard.

This year however… well, I think the photo speaks for itself.


I don’t think Jesse quite liked sitting on Santa’s lap this year. I can’t be positive about that, but it’s definitely a strong feeling I get!

There’s always next year!!!

F*** off, how hot is it?!?!

Kaine BartonLeave a comment

F*** off, how hot is it?!?!

It’s probably the one sentence I’ve uttered to myself, and to anyone who is in earshot that’s willing to listen to my constant complaints, at least 100 times over the past week.

Like Carl Barron says, for some reason, Australia seems to be the only country in the world where you can get away with starting a sentence with f*** off!

I don’t know why? Maybe it’s because we are all a little bit bogan deep down inside.

But I will say it again… F*** OFF, HOW HOT IS IT?!?!

I don’t know about you guys, but in this household, we are all struggling big time with this heat. Like seriously… I know Summer is just around the corner, but can you kindly just f*** off with this heat?

Let me at this point say, that I hate Summer. HATE IT! With a passion. But it’s not so much the heat that I don’t like. It’s the humidity.

Humidity is like that one friend that nobody likes and everybody wishes that they’d just piss off and leave, but never bloody do. It’s like that clingy boyfriend or girlfriend that just follows you everywhere. I bet Summer hates humidity. I bet Summer wants to punch humidity in its stupid f***ing face! But it can’t can it. Because Summer and humidity aren’t physical beings.

And in Queensland, the humidity is bad. It’s always bad. And that, is why I bloody hate summer!

I am a winter kid through and through. I love winter. I love wearing warm clothes and wearing jackets when I go outside. I like sitting by a heater or by a fire to warm my fingers and toes up. I like sliding under the doona when I go to bed and pulling it right up under my chin, getting nice and snug and warm for the night.

Then Queensland Summer comes along. Ah… good ol’ Summer. F*** YOU!!!

Summer. Where having a cold shower after you’ve gotten all hot and sweaty is a complete waste of time, because as soon as you step out the shower, you need another shower because you’re all hot and sweaty again.

When all you want to do is rock around in shorts, thongs and a singlet everywhere you go but can’t, because you’re a responsible adult and responsible adults need to wear pants and long sleeve shirts to work. So you drown yourself in deodorant and aftershave before you leave the house only to end up with sweat stains as big as swimming pools under your arms 5 minutes into your commute to work.

Where going to bed is like torture, because you’re house was built before they put air-conditioning in each bedroom. So you turn on the pedestal fan only to have it blow hot air directly into your face as you lay in bed sticking to the sheets trying to get to sleep in what feels like Satan’s very own bedroom.

And for some reason, Summer hasn’t even started yet. But this year, God went ‘F*** it, they won’t mind a little heat and humidity earlier this year!’ Get stuffed mate, I don’t know who you were thinking of, but I’m pretty sure I speak on behalf of most people when I say CAN YOU PLEASE GET RID OF THIS HEAT!!

I’m sweating so much that I think I’m losing more fluids than I am able to intake. I’m pretty sure our dog thinks he’s been sent directly to the bowels of hell. The wife is sick and is struggling with the heat. Jesse is also sick and is now getting heat rash because the weather decided to throw up the middle finger to everyone in Queensland. And everyone in this house is a little cranky.

The only saving grace we have is the forecast of afternoon storms which promise to cool it down, but doesn’t really do anything but cause us the inconvenience of not being able to drive anywhere for the 20 minutes that it decides to rain or hail.

So screw you heat. Please, and I say this with love, can you just bugger off!!!

Also, I still think Summer should punch humidity in its ugly face!

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Irritating Things Dad’s Do Through The Night

Renee BartonLeave a comment

I don’t know if it’s the same in other households but way back in the beginning of this whole parenting thing we agreed that I would be the main bearer of the night shift in our house.

And I’m really fine with it. Kaine gets up early to go to work through the week and my job is to satisfy the whims of our precious little one (who is now not so little at 16 months!).

However, that doesn’t mean I’m not driven crazy from time to time with the night antics that occur in our house.

With a child that has only slept through the night a handful of times, I am up at least once if not more every night. And there are definitely some things that Kaine does through the night that irritates me to no end.

Here’s a few irritating things dad’s do throughout the night. Or maybe it’s just my husband…

1. Sleeps. Yup, there is nothing more irritating than waking up for the third time in as many hours to feed or soothe a bub while husband sleeps soundly and blissfully unaware.

2. The passive-aggressive rollover. This manoeuvre is designed to let you know you’ve disturbed his sleep but he’s not actually willing to wake and offer help. There’s just a very loud sigh from his side of the bed followed by an angry rollover and tug on the doona.

3. States the bloody obvious. When the teething toddler is screaming blue murder in the middle of the night and no amount of pats on the bottom or cuddles can fix it, Mum begins to administer pain relief (which could only be made easier by putting the child in a straight jacket) when dad comes out in his undies, rubbing his eyes and says “why don’t you just give him some nurofen already”? If looks could kill….

4. Pretends to be asleep even when it’s the weekend. It wouldn’t be too much to expect that dad might handle the early morning bottle on a weekend right? Wrong! I’ll get up again shall I??? Oh, do you want me to get him he says knowing that you’re already half way out of the bed.

5. Complains about being tired. Um, excuse me? You don’t know the meaning of the word!

Like I said… It might be just my husband who does these things. But geez, on a really bad night I do admit to wanting to stab him in the (shut) eye with a fork!

And god help me, if he comes out in his undies at 2am in the morning again, directing me to give Jesse nurofen after another terrible night of trying to settle him and get him back to sleep, I may be driven to cut off what got us into this situation in the first place!

Okay, that could just be the sleep deprivation talking.

Or is it?

I love you, darling.

Footage Friday: Jesse loves the outdoors!

Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So Jesse absolutely loves the outdoors!

So much so that it doesn’t even matter if its 8pm and pitch black out… He still wants to go outside to play.

So that’s why we try and give him every opportunity we can to get outdoors, get his feet in the grass or in the dirt or in the sand… and get dirty!

And going by his squealing in this video, he was absolutely loving his time outdoors yesterday!

Footage Friday: Our Baby Is Broken

Renee BartonLeave a comment

Who broke the baby?

Watching Jesse play when he’s in his own little world is so cute and often hilarious.

The other afternoon as I was watching him play he just kept lying down on the floor, taking a lot of care to make sure he didn’t bump is head. Getting up and doing it again. All the while having a little chat to himself.

It was so adorably funny that I just had to grab my phone and record it.