Vasectomy… The Big Slice… Getting Snipped… Spermectomy… Being Clipped… Retiring the Boys… Going to the Vet…
Regardless of what you call it, we all end up with the same thing. A bag of frozen peas and a 12 hour ache like you’ve been kicked in the misters.
Once we got that positive result for our third (have I mentioned unexpected before) pregnancy, the first reaction was shock. The second reaction was, how quickly can I book in to see the vet?
Now that I’ve come out the other side, I thought what better way to celebrate than to share my experience with a whole bunch of strangers on the internet. I mean, we’re just talking about my… well, you know… ahem…
So let’s start this review right back at the beginning to when I picked up the phone and called to make my appointment.
I ring the day hospital. “I’d like to book in for a vasectomy please.”
“Sure, I can help you with that.” comes the voice down the line. “We will send you out some information that you will need to read prior to your appointment.”
“Thanks for that. See you soon!”
Now if there is anything that will scare you out of ‘going to the vet’ more than anything else, it’s the information they send you to read through. Hang on now, what are the risks? How many risks are there?
That’s fine though. There are always risks, even for minor surgeries. I can get past that. What else do I need to do before my appointment? Oh here we go, prior to the vasectomy, it is recommended that patients shave their entire…
HANG ON A MINUTE! What’s that? You want me to do what? Oh hell no!!!
Well. This dad right here wasn’t going anywhere near his… ahem… you know whats with a sharp razor. So what are the other options… Hair removal cream? Yea nah… Waxing? Sounds painful… but it does sound better than accidentally giving myself a vasectomy with a razor.
So off to the local waxing salon I go. At this stage I didn’t know what was more unsettling, the fact that I was about to be waxed for the first time, or the fact that I was about to expose myself to a complete stranger.
40mins later, waxing complete. Wasn’t as bad as I thought. Pain: 6/10 Experience: 8/10 Likelihood of returning 0/10
Then comes the day of the procedure. I turn up and the nurse takes me up to the waiting area. “Here you go sir, you need to fully undress and put these on.”
Ummm… okay then. Sure. I’ll play ball (no pun intended).
“And when you’re done, watch this video about vasectomy’s.”
I finish watching the video and try to take my mind off what’s about to come. Again, I’m not sure if I’m more nervous about the procedure or exposing myself to a second stranger in the space of three days.
Then comes my turn. A different nurse comes out to collect me. “I will be helping the Doctor today with the procedure, wait here while I collect him to have a chat with you about things.”
Great. Another complete stranger to add to the mix. Okay, as long as it’s just the two of you then. That’s fine.
The doctor comes out. “So you’re ready for a vasectomy hey. Do you have kids?” “Yes.” “How many?” “Three including one surprise arrival.”
“That’s a good reason to come in for the procedure then I guess. Make sure there’s no more surprises.” “You’re not wrong.”
In I go to the theatre and who’s there… ANOTHER STRANGER. LET’S JUST INVITE THE WHOLE BUILDING AND HAVE A FU**ING PARTY!!! Four! Four strangers in three days I’ve exposed myself too. I don’t think I’ve exposed myself to my wife that many time in the last three days!
“Just going to check to make sure you’re suitable for a vasectomy now.”
“Roger that rogue leader!”
And then it starts. First the local is applied. And then comes the moment where the hole is made and the surgery begins.
The local actually did a pretty good job of numbing the area. And as you lay there the sound of the scissors stripping your manhood away, and the smell of the cauterizing takes over the room. Twenty minutes later it’s done and you try and keep whatever dignity you have left as you start to dress yourself in front of everyone in the theatre.
Post procedure, well, the day of was uncomfortable. A constant ache in your balls like you’ve been kicked in the nuts isn’t the most pleasant thing to deal with, but apparently (as I’ve been constantly reminded of), it’s nothing compared to child birth.
Overall Score 7/10
Not as bad as I thought it would be, and you definitely work it up in your head to be worse than it is. But would I do it again? Well, who would want to.
I did get a free stubby cooler out of it though!