Tag: Trying To Conceive

Becoming a first time dad

Kaine Barton1 Comment

The date is 5 January 2013. It’s with a sense of anticipation that we arrive at our accommodation for the week. We open the door to our suite and marvel at how nice it is. We drop our bags to the floor. With a sense of excitement, we open the box that houses the bottle of Dom Pérignon we bought for this special occasion.

As we raise our glasses for a cheers and drink the first mouthful of champagne, we look at each other and smile. Today, we celebrate the start of our journey of trying to conceive.

The long road ahead

Who would have thought that trying to conceive was so tough? We were under no illusions about how the adventure which lay in front of us looked… But we were certainly unprepared for how long it would eventually take us to conceive.

We thought we had prepared well… we had talked in length about when was a good time for us to start trying. We don’t smoke. We weren’t excessive drinkers. We were healthy and relatively fit. We had pulled the goalie. All that was left to do was to … well, you know … fall pregnant.

But what started as trying for a month, quickly became trying for two months, four months, 6 months and eventually 12 months.

It was at the 12 month mark that doubt starts to creep in and you start asking yourself questions. Is this ever going to happen for us? Why can’t we seem to fall pregnant? Is there something wrong with my… ahem… swimmers? Do we give up?

Having a break

It was around March or April in 2014 that after yet another unsuccessful month of trying to conceive, we decided to have a break from ‘trying’. We had recently booked and paid for a month’s holiday in Europe for our 30th Birthdays. And we both wanted to be able to enjoy the full experience countries like Italy and France had to offer (we ate and drank like kings and queens).

So it was agreed. We would stop actively trying to fall pregnant for a short while. That way, we could be sure there wouldn’t be any surprise attacks of morning sickness as we were driving between countries on a tour bus with 30+ other people.

We arrived back home feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. It felt like this was just what we needed. It was the perfect distraction from the frustration of having tried and tried and tried again to fall pregnant, but failed.

We felt like we could go back into trying to conceive with a new attitude and renewed focus…

Are you late?

It wasn’t long before we started feeling frustrated again. The same questions again circling round putting doubt in my head.

What do we have to do to conceive?

It was coming up to September 2014 and we were still yet to receive any positive news on our commitment to try and fall pregnant. Our journey made even more frustrating with a couple of glimmers of hope that ended in negative tests.

Around this time, as we sit and talk to each other about our adventure to date, Renee says, “Let’s give it our all this month. Let’s call this month ‘Sextember’.”

Let me think about that… Count me in!

‘Sextember’ was a blur.

It wasn’t until late September that I realised we hadn’t had the conversation we’d had so many times before throughout our quest to fall pregnant.

“Are you late?”

Then came her reply… “Yes.”

We’re pregnant!

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What a rush. What a thrill. What excitement. Those two little lines on that pregnancy stick was like opening the first gift on Christmas day as a child.

Oh … my … god … I’m going to be a dad!

I need to do something. I need to walk around because I am excited and nervous and overjoyed and happy and so many emotions all at once that I just need to keep moving.

I think there’s champagne in the fridge… Let’s have champagne to celebrate! Oh that’s right, you’re pregnant. Ok, no champagne for you. I’ll just drink it out the bottle. What do I do now? I don’t know what to do now? Hang on, I’ll drink more champagne.

The moment we had been waiting 20 months for has just happened and we both are over the moon with excitement.

A new adventure starts

30 September 2014 marked the day that one journey ended and a new adventure began. The adventure that is pregnancy.

Our pregnancy hasn’t been without its complications (which you can read about in Renee’s post), but it’s our journey and one that I don’t think I’d change.

As we inch closer and closer to the due date, I look back on our time trying to conceive and our time through the pregnancy and realise that despite the complications… despite the frustrations and how long the journey has lasted… it had made us appreciate this miracle even more.

And as we inch closer to the birth of our first child, all I can think about is how excited I am to meet the little person that will be born at the end of it all.

Baby Barton, I’ll be seeing you soon!

Waiting for Baby Barton

Renee Barton4 Comments

A pregnancy is nine months.  But our wait for Baby Barton has been a little longer than that.

While trying to fall pregnant (which we kept private) I was asked by a friend whether I thought I was born to be a mother.  My answer was unequivocally “No.  No I don’t.”

I always presumed I would be someday.  But I never thought that being a parent would be the one thing that defined who I am or brought purpose to my life.  I believe that all my roles in life are important; wife, big sister, daughter, friend, they all help shape the woman I am and are becoming.

Around this same time I read an interview with Kate Ritchie in Who Magazine.  She was expecting her first child and her words really summed up exactly how I felt then and still feel now.

“The gift of being able to carry a child is beautiful.  It’s happened at the right time.  Becoming a mother will be a wonderful bonus to who I already am.”

This may sound selfish to some.  But, after experiencing the thought that I may not be able to have a baby, I would hate for any woman to feel that she is less worthy or valuable if she doesn’t have children.  Whether that be by choice or a twist of fate from nature.

Our Journey to Conception

Starting a family was not something we ever saw as a ‘logical next step’ or ‘just what married people do’.  For us it was always carefully considered.

Once we had made the decision we were so excited.  We quickly started dreaming up ways we would tell our loved ones once we were pregnant, discussing our values and thoughts on the kind of parents we wanted to be.  But as time went on the conversation died down.  And, while I am absolutely aware that our story doesn’t compare in the slightest to some people’s struggles, it was still hard at times.

3/10/2013

How can you mourn the loss of something you never had?  Something that never even existed except in the quiet depths of your hopeful imagination.  How can you want something so much but have so little control over whether or not you get it?  How can your life feel so full yet so empty at the same time?

4/11/2013

And so the roller coaster ride continues.  The hopeful highs, the disappointing lows and the loops and twists in between.  The “I think this is our month!” followed by the “I’ll give it one more shot and then I’m out!”

And amongst all of that the doubt starts to creep in.  Is this even what I want? Or am I now just consumed with the goal?

Feeling like slapping every woman that says “oh and we weren’t even trying” whilst filling my Facebook newsfeed with bump shots.

And then we saw it.  Two lines.  Two lovely pink lines.  And we are in a daze of happiness, relief and freak out all at the same time.

A Rocky Start

28/10/2014

Heartbeat. A beautiful flicker on the screen confirms that this is real.  You are real.

Heartbreak.  Uncontrollable sobs as I discover there could be complications.  We wait.  A different kind of two week wait.

And then we see it again, that beautiful little flicker.

Here we go….

4/12/2014

After 3 months of uncertainty it is finally feeling real.  And we were delighted to spread the news.  I heard your heartbeat yesterday and it was one of the sweetest sounds my ears have heard.

After a few weeks of wondering if this was actually happening, if you are really in there; it’s finally dawning on me that it is, you are.

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Arrival is Immanent

And so now we are only weeks away from meeting our little one.  The one that will take our twosome and make us a family of three.

I have loved being pregnant and am not quite ready for it to be over just yet so I am savouring every delicious moment of the coming weeks.

But as the arrival looms my thoughts turn to this new little human and the next chapter of our lives.

What will our baby look like?  Will it be a boy or a girl?  How and when will I go into labour?  Will the hypnobirthing album I bought off iTunes be of any help at all?  Will I be a good mum?

I am nervous I guess but mostly I just feel calm and ready.

I know that no matter what challenges come our way, we will face them together and delight in them.

Count it all joy.

So Baby Barton, thank you for choosing us to be your Mummy and Daddy.  We look forward to seeing you soon.