Dad Bod: It’s time to go!

January 23, 2017January 23, 2017 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So guess what… the end of January is just around the corner! That’s right… January is almost over!

I mean, hang on, it still feels like only yesterday that we were up at Maleny celebrating NYE and chugging beers! Well, I was the one chugging the beers… Renee was giving me that look of pure evil that only a pregnant woman can give when she is the only one sitting in a room full of non-pregnant people all having fun! Love you darling!

So since we are almost through our first month of 2017, how are those NYE resolutions coming along? Have you achieved all you wanted to achieve for January as yet? Don’t worry, you still have time if you haven’t.

What about me you ask? Well, I didn’t really make any NYE resolutions. I tend to find they’re somewhat of a waste of time. Like most people, I never end up completing any of the NYE resolutions I’ve set myself in the past. I think it’s mostly because when we do make NYE resolutions, we aren’t held accountable by anyone. However, I am glad to say that despite not having any resolutions in place, I have still managed to start my year off on a positive note…

And so this leads into the title of this post. Saying goodbye to the Dad Bod!

I’m not going to beat around the bush… I have officially (by my own admittance) reached fat bastard status! I got to that point where I realised I had two options available moving forward regarding my diet and my weight. Either stop eating… or buy a whole new wardrobe full of clothes. And let’s face it, to stop eating is definitely the cheaper way to go!

I mean, it’s pretty bad. Like so bad that the t-shirts I own look like they’re about 2 sizes to small when I wear them. If I start to raise my arms it looks like I’m wearing a midriff! Plus none of my pants fit! We went to the Redcliffe Lagoon just before New Years and I couldn’t do them up. I have buttons popping open on shorts and I even had to use a hair tie on the top button of a pair of jeans because I couldn’t get it done up! Yes, a hack I learned from my pregnant wife.

I seriously need an intervention!

I’ve embraced the Dad Bod for long enough. All the delicious food and the cold beers and the tasty burgers and the amazing chocolate and the delightful doughnuts and the… IT’S TIME TO STOP!!!

And this is where the positive start to my year begins. My PT is running a 6 week challenge to work off all that Christmas and NYE weight we’ve all put on. Count me in! I’ve got a ton of weight I need to lose!

Second week in and I think I’m doing pretty well. So far I’ve lost over one kilo of both weight and fat!

If I can just keep this going for the next 4 weeks, I’ll have rippling abs and biceps of steel just like Zac Efron!!! Well, maybe not, but at least I’ll be back to my normal weight!

Oh yea, and just in case you were wondering why we have so much junk food in the house… don’t forget that I am living with both a toddler, and a pregnant wife!

Diaries of a Dad: Can I do this?

January 16, 2017January 16, 2017 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

Being a parent is tough. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of good times. There are plenty of great times. But on the flip side to that, there are also plenty of rough times.

Times that every now and again make me question myself… Can I actually do this? Can I actually be a dad? Am I really cut out for this?

You know those times… when you’re home alone with your baby and all it does is scream and cry non-stop and no matter what you do and no matter what you say and no matter what you try all your baby does is just scream and cry louder and louder until you get to that point where all you want to do is just throw in the towel or scream into a pillow!

Yup. Those times.

Well, I had another one of those times recently, and again I started to question myself. Am I cut out for being a Dad? Can I do this whole parenting thing? Do I want to do this?

It’s in those moments that I feel so helpless as a parent. As a Dad. It’s in those moments that I feel completely ill equipped to help this tiny human of ours who is completely inconsolable.

But then something happens. Something completely sweet and innocent.

After the screaming dies down. After the crying stops. That little human we made just casually walks over, cuddles up next to me and falls asleep.

jesse-sleeping

And it’s at that moment that I fall in love with him all over again. It’s that moment that I forget everything that’s just happened in the last two hours and realise how much love I have for him. It’s in that moment, when I feel his chest gently rising and falling with each breath… when I’m taking in the sweet smell of his hair… when I’m gently kissing his cheeks and forehead as he drifts soundly off to sleep… that I realise I can do this!

It’s in that moment that I realise that while it certainly isn’t easy. That while it’s not always going to be rosy. That while it’s not always going to be sunny. That I can do this parenting thing. That I can do this Dad thing.

And ultimately, that I do want to do this Dad thing!!!

Photo Friday: 2016, it’s a wrap!

January 13, 2017 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

2016 has come and gone. It’s official. We are now in 2017.

Renee and I are another year older. Jesse has a few more teeth. And neither of us are much wiser…

But we did achieve a lot in 2016.

We laughed…

We cried…

We celebrated…

We did a lot. So what better way to celebrate the year that was, then with a snapshot of the year in photos we’ve taken along the way.

So with that said, here is our 2016 snapshot in photos… enjoy! 🙂

Photo Friday: Cranky Santa Photos

December 23, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So… Jesse got his photo taken with Santa again this year.

However, it didn’t quite go as smoothly as it did last Christmas.

Last Christmas, Jesse was fascinated with the fat man in the red suit with a big bushy white beard. So much so that all he wanted to do was tug on his beard.

This year however… well, I think the photo speaks for itself.

I don’t think Jesse quite liked sitting on Santa’s lap this year. I can’t be positive about that, but it’s definitely a strong feeling I get!

There’s always next year!!!

Our little Christmas Reindeer

December 5, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

So Christmas in the Barton household has officially started! That’s right, the silly season is finally upon us and it’s time the Barton’s got on board!

So yesterday, we kicked off the Christmas season by putting up our Christmas tree, and then heading off to North Lakes for their Christmas Markets and Christmas Carols!

And didn’t Jesse have a great time!

He loved helping to put the Christmas tree up. And by helping I mean he loved pulling the baubles off the tree almost as quickly as we were putting them on. He also liked sucking the glitter off the silver baubles.

And when he wasn’t “helping” with the tree and decorations, he was just being a general pest and pain in the arse. He seemed to be enjoying it though, so we didn’t complain too much.

After the tree went up, it was off to North Lakes for their Christmas markets and carols. And that’s where Jesse really enjoyed himself.

He got his first taste of playing in a petting zoo, which he absolutely LOVED!!! He loves animals and loves petting them, much to our cats disgust because she is the devil and doesn’t like anyone or anything!

But to see him running around the petting zoo chasing the baby animals was the cutest thing ever!

After that, he was stoked to just be able to walk around the markets checking everything out. Every now and again you’d hear a squeal of joy come from him as he tore around the markets, fascinated by all the people, lights and music.

We even stumbled across a Reindeer with a hole that you could stick your face in. He loved that, and kept wanting me to pick him up so he could look through the hole at mummy!

He certainly was our cute little Christmas Reindeer!

And with all the excitement of the day, he fell asleep early so that mummy and daddy could have a relaxing Sunday night with dinner and a movie.

It was the perfect way to kick off this Christmas with our perfect little boy!

The Big Christmas Lie

November 27, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

Okay… political correctness is officially off the charts! Seriously, what are we as a society coming to? There has been many things that have been bugging me recently… and all signs are pointing to Australia becoming a PC state!

But the straw that broke the camels back for me, was this article titled Academics argue parents are damaging their kids by lying to them about Santa.

I mean come on… REALLY!!!

Apparently, parents who tell their children that Santa is real are participating in a damaging “collective lie on a global scale”, according to an article penned by two Australian academics.

So it would appear that two University of New England social scientists, Kathy McKay and Christopher Boyle, argue that lying is wrong and makes it difficult for children to trust their parents.

The article goes on further to quote these two “social scientists”, who state:
“Is the world so bad that we decide that it is better to spend around 10 years lying to children about a large jolly man who gives presents to all children with the help of mythical creatures, because it makes for more enjoyment at Christmas?

“Why should children question the parent who tells them to be careful touching a hot stove or crossing the road, when they tell them about a jolly man who apparently bends time and space to deliver presents to every child in the world at Christmas?

“If they are capable of lying about something so special and magical, can they be relied upon to continue as the guardians of wisdom and truth?”

Wow… really… GET F***ED!!!

That’s what I say to that. Seriously, it’s bloody Christmas. Can’t parents just have a normal Christmas with their family without being made to feel like they’re doing something wrong because the kids believe in Santa!

The world is already turning too politically correct as it is without making parents feel bad that they give kids the enjoyment of opening presents from Santa at Christmas.

We’ve already got enough people trying to challenge Christmas because of religious sensitives… we’ve got suburbs in Perth changing the date of Australia Day because of cultural sensitivities… and we’ve got companies changing the packaging of Easter Eggs to remove the word Easter, again for religious sensitivies…

I mean come on, don’t we live in a free country? Don’t people learn the whole concept of, if you don’t like it, then just move on anymore?

If you don’t like Christmas… then don’t participate. If you don’t like Australia Day… then don’t participate. If you don’t like Easter… then don’t participate. It’s not that hard. Stop ruining it for the rest of us.

Just let us have our fun on these national holidays.

And let us families with kids have the fun we deserve at Christmas without making us feel bad with bullshit reports about how lying to our kids about Santa is damaging them for life.

On that note, I’m off to make a list of presents for Jesse to be wrapped and put under the Christmas Tree from Santa!

Photo Friday: Baby Barton Number 2 Morphology Scan

November 25, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

Today, we had our morphology scan for Baby Barton number 2!

Wow… how great is it that we live in a world with such amazing technology!!!

We had forgotten how amazing and beautiful it is to be able to see a tiny human growing inside Renee’s tummy… hearing it’s tiny heartbeat… seeing it’s tiny feet and hands… seing it’s profile for the first time.

Wow… it’s starting to get real now…

F*** off, how hot is it?!?!

November 13, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

F*** off, how hot is it?!?!

It’s probably the one sentence I’ve uttered to myself, and to anyone who is in earshot that’s willing to listen to my constant complaints, at least 100 times over the past week.

Like Carl Barron says, for some reason, Australia seems to be the only country in the world where you can get away with starting a sentence with f*** off!

I don’t know why? Maybe it’s because we are all a little bit bogan deep down inside.

But I will say it again… F*** OFF, HOW HOT IS IT?!?!

I don’t know about you guys, but in this household, we are all struggling big time with this heat. Like seriously… I know Summer is just around the corner, but can you kindly just f*** off with this heat?

Let me at this point say, that I hate Summer. HATE IT! With a passion. But it’s not so much the heat that I don’t like. It’s the humidity.

Humidity is like that one friend that nobody likes and everybody wishes that they’d just piss off and leave, but never bloody do. It’s like that clingy boyfriend or girlfriend that just follows you everywhere. I bet Summer hates humidity. I bet Summer wants to punch humidity in its stupid f***ing face! But it can’t can it. Because Summer and humidity aren’t physical beings.

And in Queensland, the humidity is bad. It’s always bad. And that, is why I bloody hate summer!

I am a winter kid through and through. I love winter. I love wearing warm clothes and wearing jackets when I go outside. I like sitting by a heater or by a fire to warm my fingers and toes up. I like sliding under the doona when I go to bed and pulling it right up under my chin, getting nice and snug and warm for the night.

Then Queensland Summer comes along. Ah… good ol’ Summer. F*** YOU!!!

Summer. Where having a cold shower after you’ve gotten all hot and sweaty is a complete waste of time, because as soon as you step out the shower, you need another shower because you’re all hot and sweaty again.

When all you want to do is rock around in shorts, thongs and a singlet everywhere you go but can’t, because you’re a responsible adult and responsible adults need to wear pants and long sleeve shirts to work. So you drown yourself in deodorant and aftershave before you leave the house only to end up with sweat stains as big as swimming pools under your arms 5 minutes into your commute to work.

Where going to bed is like torture, because you’re house was built before they put air-conditioning in each bedroom. So you turn on the pedestal fan only to have it blow hot air directly into your face as you lay in bed sticking to the sheets trying to get to sleep in what feels like Satan’s very own bedroom.

And for some reason, Summer hasn’t even started yet. But this year, God went ‘F*** it, they won’t mind a little heat and humidity earlier this year!’ Get stuffed mate, I don’t know who you were thinking of, but I’m pretty sure I speak on behalf of most people when I say CAN YOU PLEASE GET RID OF THIS HEAT!!

I’m sweating so much that I think I’m losing more fluids than I am able to intake. I’m pretty sure our dog thinks he’s been sent directly to the bowels of hell. The wife is sick and is struggling with the heat. Jesse is also sick and is now getting heat rash because the weather decided to throw up the middle finger to everyone in Queensland. And everyone in this house is a little cranky.

The only saving grace we have is the forecast of afternoon storms which promise to cool it down, but doesn’t really do anything but cause us the inconvenience of not being able to drive anywhere for the 20 minutes that it decides to rain or hail.

So screw you heat. Please, and I say this with love, can you just bugger off!!!

Also, I still think Summer should punch humidity in its ugly face!

Footage Friday: 10 Year Anniversary

October 28, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

Last Friday, Renee and I celebrated our 10 Year Wedding Anniversary!

And wow, what an amazing day it turned out to be!

We started the day with a drive into Brisbane City to participate in the Story Bridge Adventure Climb, which is apparently, one of only 3 bridges worldwide that the public are able to climb (legally).

We then had lunch at the Story Bridge Hotel before heading over to our hotel for the night to check in.

Our hotel? None other than The Treasury Hotel, the very same hotel we stayed at on our wedding night.

A fancy dinner at Alchemy along Eagle Street Pier ended our perfect day.

And the best thing about it, was that we filmed it all. It’s been a while since we’ve posted a vlog on our YouTube channel… But this feels like the perfect time to jump back into vlogging on the lead up to Christmas (Vlogmas version 2.0 anyone?).

It’s a fairly long video, but we hope you enjoy it none-the-less.

My worst day to date as a parent?

October 17, 2016 Kaine BartonLeave a comment

Let’s talk about Saturday.

A day that will go down in our short stint as new parents, as probably one of the hardest days we’ve had to deal with.

To be honest with you, it was probably the first time since Jesse was born where I genuinely 100% questioned if I could do this, if this parenting gig was just all too hard and whether I should just quit and leave.

The day started out ordinary enough. Jesse woke up happy as he normally does. We got ready for gym. We dropped Jesse off at Nanny and Poppy’s on the way to gym. And then…

Well, then the drama starts… It was like we had picked up a completely different child to the one we had dropped off earlier that morning.

And for the rest of that morning, we had a very, very, very cranky boy. We just couldn’t work out what was wrong!!!

There was uncontrollably crying. There was a bloody nose (the result of a lot of nose wiping due to his runny nose and the fact that he had accidentally scratched himself around his nostril). There was grazed knees from when he fell over earlier in the day. There was writhing in pain. There was arching his back and kicking away from us as we tried to hold and comfort him. There was teething pain symptoms.

For some reason, it all just seemed to explode all at the one time… And it all just became a little too much.

With everything that was happening with Jesse, Renee and I then started arguing and yelling at each other which, given the circumstances, wasn’t helping the situation.

So with everything that had happened and everything that was still happening, I got changed into some yard clothes and left the house. Now I didn’t leave altogether, I just left the house because I knew I wasn’t helping the situation.

So I grabbed the weed killer and lawn feed, headed outside and started working on the lawn.

By the time I was finished and came back inside, Jesse was sound asleep, and the house was quiet again.

I just hoped to god that when he woke up, he was going to be back to his happy self again. And what do you know, when he woke, he was indeed back to his happy self. It was like the morning had never happened. But both Renee and I knew it had happened. And we were both bearing scars as a result!

Was it my worst day to date as a parent? Probably! But you know what, us as a human race have the great ability to learn from our past experiences. So I feel that because I’ve now experienced a day like I did on Saturday, that I will be able to approach the situation better the next time round.

But hey, let’s keep our fingers crossed that there won’t be a next time and that it will all be smooth sailing from here.

…Keep dreaming Kaine. Keep dreaming…