Category: Feelings

Our Fur Babies: Remembering Jack

Renee Barton1 Comment

Long before we had a human baby we had our fur babies.

We are both big dog lovers. We both have fond memories of growing up with dogs as kids and we think it is really important for children to have pets. It is a great way to learn about responsibility but also just an awesome companion for the whole family.

Despite being dog lovers though, our first pet together was a cat! Must have been the lure of that cute little grey kitten. Dr Grey (yes, I named her after Meredith Grey long before Taylor Swift made it cool) is now 10 years old and pretty much just does her own thing in our household. Not even sure she likes us that much!

grey

Then there is Pacey, our crazy, lovable Malamute cross German Sheppard. He is a big hairy boy of 5 years old but still acts like a puppy sometimes. We love him so much despite the dirt track that has become our backyard.

pace

But yesterday in the mail I received a reminder of our old boy Jack in the form of his registration renewal. Sadly, we had to put Jackson down in February this year. It was incredibly difficult but definitely the right thing to do for him. He was 15 years old, he had been in our family for half my life, but his quality of life had quickly diminished and we both knew the time had come.

He was such a cheeky boy in his younger days. He’d often follow me to school and I wouldn’t realise until about half way there and I’d have to walk him all the way home again. Then there were the times (yes, more than once) when he ate ratsack and I had to wash his mouth out with salt water whilst crying my eyes out hoping he would be OK. Then there was the time he pooped out an entire sock. Not to mention all of his escape attempts several of which landed him at the pound which is how he came to live with Kaine and I.

When we were at the vet that awful day I kept thinking about the movie ‘Marley and Me’ and how they said Marley wasn’t like regular dogs. That’s how I felt about Jack. He was one in a million.

jack

When it came time to make the decision I knew I was the one who had to make it. Kaine had brought it up a few times as ‘Buddy’s’ health declined but I just kept hanging on and he just kept on going.

But very suddenly he could no longer walk and I knew he was just holding on for us. I had to let him be free. As I cuddled him and kissed his fury little face I whispered through tears that I was sorry and that I hoped he could forgive me. I just wished he could talk so he could tell me I was doing the right thing.

I was sad to be losing our fury little friend and I was sad that he would never get to meet our little bubba, I was five months pregnant when he went to heaven.

It was one of the toughest days but I’ll never forget Kaine’s support that day. He cried with me as we stood in the vet saying goodbye to our ‘Jacko Boy’.

A little while after that I mentioned to Kaine that it would be cool if we had a baby boy to somehow honour Jack. We had four boys names on our short list each with a different middle name. And when our little boy came into the world we just knew that ‘Jesse Jack’ was the right name for him.

So while we miss our ‘Buddy’ his memory lives on.

I Think You Are A Super Mum

Kaine BartonLeave a comment

Last Sunday night was another rough night for Renee as far as sleep goes.

Unfortunately for us (although I’m sure Jesse loved it), our little man had a massive sleep that afternoon while we were at a family BBQ. This meant that when it came time for us to get some sleep, he was any combination of wide awake; restless; feeding; smiling; crying.

This made for a very frustrating start to what I expected to be a long night ahead for Renee.

We have a system for night times which seems to work for us most of the time. That system involves Renee getting up throughout the night to tend to Jesse (she does have the boobs after all) so that I can get a good night sleep for work the next day, and me tending to Jesse (again, when he’s not hungry and wanting to feed on account of having no boobs) when I get home and on the weekends.

This does mean however, as you would have read in Renee’s last blog post, that she hasn’t had a full nights sleep since Jesse was born.

I know she had a rough night on that Sunday night, and the next day I really wanted to let her know that she could call on me if she was at wits end and just needed a break or some sleep.

At around 10 am on Monday morning, I sent the following text message:

“Hey babe. So are you sure you’re ok today?

I just really want to stress to you that while I do appreciate how you want to make sure I get enough sleep for work, I would rather be sleepy at work for a day than have you up losing your shit at night with Jesse.

I think you’re an absolute star and a super mum, but if you’re struggling and at wits end, I am here. I WANT to help. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. That’s my role and responsibility as a dad!

Love you.”

I received a text message back minutes later telling how much just some simple words like that really meant. She went on further to say:

“You are such a great dad. In fact, everyone says what a great dad you are. I dont often get told that I am doing a good job so thank you for saying that.”

So I am here today, writing this down, to tell you that you are not just doing a good job… you are doing a phenomenal job as a new mum to our little Jesse.

Super Mum

I know you don’t hear it enough. From me or from others. And for that I am sorry.

But I am here, now, telling you that to me, you are Superwoman! And I promise to remember to tell you more often, just how good of a job you are doing!

You are our super mum!

The Big Sleep Obsession

Renee Barton1 Comment

When you become a parent, in particular a mum, you become incredibly aware of sleep.

You are either doing it, wishing you were doing it, thinking about doing it or talking about doing it.

Everything is now being weighed up against sleep.

Housework or sleep?

Exercise or sleep?

Sex or sleep?

Sleep will usually trump just about everything else. But often you just want to get some things done or simply enjoy a few minutes to yourself to just lie on the couch and stare stupidly into space (there’s not enough brain power to read all those books I thought I’d catch up on during my maternity leave!).

Watching your baby sleep is both delightful and frustrating. It’s 7.30 pm and he is sleeping. I should really go to bed too. But then BAM… suddenly it’s 9 pm and he’s awake and hungry. Or worse, happy and wanting to play! Damn it, was it really worth staying awake to watch some crappy TV show or do the dishes? I could have had an hours’ sleep!

I’ve now gone 3 months without a solid nights sleep. And I definitely underestimated the concept of sleep deprivation. The last night I slept through was the 25th May. And had I have known it would be my last I would have taken notice and really took pleasure in it.

But that is just life with a baby right. I always knew that would be the case. I’ve missed the odd night of sleep due to a big night of partying and I survived that fine. This will be a piece of cake. No ‘job’ to get up for so I’ll just go with the flow and sleep when I can…

Well that’s all well and good in theory but I’ve come to realise it is really f#*%ing annoying to be woken up 3 times a night, our bodies are not built to do that. And you go through your days with a foggy brain which only gets worse. Some days I really wonder if I should be operating a vehicle!

Sleep Post

Other people are now suddenly obsessed with mine and my babies sleep habits too. Any conversation usually includes “so is he a good sleeper?”

My answer is always yes. But what does that even mean? I say yes because at least I’m getting some sleep. Two hour blocks has now increased to 3-4 hour blocks most nights. And when I get 5 in a row I feel like a new woman!

Then comes the obsession with the elusive ‘sleeping through’ phenomenon. When is my baby going to do it? Her baby is two months younger and is already doing it. Am I ever going to sleep like a normal person (aka my husband) again?

For the most part of the last 3 months we have co-slept. Not something I thought I would do but worked for us and has kept us sane. But I’m now ready to reclaim our bed and sleep comfortably again.

Jesse is not a fan of the bassinet so it looks as though we are going to attempt to move him straight to his cot in his own room. Eek!

Wish us luck!

What are your tips for getting baby to sleep on their own or moving to their cot?

Our Baby’s Milestones: Terrified of Missing Out

Kaine Barton2 Comments

It is Monday morning on August 10, 2015. It is 9:50 am.

My iPhone buzzes on my desk beside me. The buzzing sound that is all too familiar to me now. It is letting me know that someone has sent me a text message.

I unlock my iPhone and as I click into my Messages app, a video pops up on my screen. A video that Renee has sent me of our little Jesse. The video that you can see below.

It’s not the first time I’ve received a video or photo of Jesse from Renee, and I know it won’t be the last. And I will say this… I love getting sneaky little text message or Snapchat updates from Renee showing me what they are getting up to throughout the day. I actually really look forward to it, receiving photos and videos, so I can see our little Jesse while I am at work.

However, after receiving the video of Jesse from Renee on that Monday morning, something really terrified me. And that something has been constantly pulling at the back of my mind ever since receiving that video. Something that I haven’t been able to articulate, but will attempt to with this blog post.

I am absolutely terrified of missing out on important milestones in Jesse’s development and in his overall life.

Let me say this, I know that I’m not the only working dad/parent out there. And I know that I’m not the first, and certainly won’t be the last, to feel like this.

But that doesn’t make it any less real for me.

I was sitting there watching back the video of my first child, my son, my little Jesse smiling away and almost letting out his first giggle. I had a smile on my face from ear to ear and little tears were welling in my eyes at the pure joy I felt watching him smiling and being so happy. But then this wave of fear washed over me.

What if I’m not there for the time he let’s out his first little giggle? What if I’m not there the first time he laughs or to hear his first word? What if I’m not there when he rolls over for the first time? Crawls for first time? Takes his first steps?

Kaine and Jesse

I was terrified and angry and disappointed and sad, at the very real chance that I may not be there to witness some of these milestones. That I may be at work and have to watch his first giggle through the screen of an iPhone. Or that I may be held up on public transport and have to witness the first time he crawls on the screen of our laptop when I get home.

As far as milestones in the life of a baby, some of these might only be small ones. But to me, they’re all important. Jesse’s first giggle to me, is just as important as his first word. And the first time he rolls over is just as important as his first step.

Now I know that work is where I need to be right now. I know that I need to step up into the role of being the provider for our family. And I know that Renee is forever thankful that I have taken on this responsibility, as she has conveyed in her blog post ‘An Open Letter to Dads Returning to Work’.

But at the end of the day, even though I know I won’t entirely miss these milestones (that is the beauty of technology these days), I still can’t seem to shake that distant feeling of disappointment that I may very well not be there to witness some of them first hand. All I can say is that I am extremely thankful that we are in a position that has allowed us to extend Renee’s time away from work so that one of us will be there to witness and capture these amazing moments in Jesse’s life.

It makes me think however, that I feel sorry for all the new parents out there where both mum and dad had to return to work early. As there is a real possibility that they may both miss some of these special times in a baby’s life.

Like I mentioned earlier, I know that I’m not the only working dad/parent out there that has felt like this at one stage during parenthood, and I know I won’t be the last.

But maybe, just maybe… by writing down these thoughts someone, somewhere, might realise that they aren’t alone in feeling like this. Let’s all cherish the time we have with our children, because there will be moments that we will all inevitably miss out on.